Friends

Hello,

One quick thing- I posted a few weeks ago about the inability people have to tell the difference between too and to, or their and there. I can’t remember if I said this or not but the advance in technology hasn’t helped. I was on twitter the other day, and I noticed that a few celebrities blame their bad spelling due to their new technology… This isn’t a good excuse, nor is it ever going to be an accepted excuse. Stop it, pick up a thesaurus or a dictionary, and learn how to do it correctly. Oh and don’t be afraid to tell the person responsible for the tweet how to do it correctly too.

Now on to the main body of today, I should really be working, but I am struggling to concentrate, this is partially due to all the Stilton I have eaten, as well as having something playing on my mind. Now, not to brag or anything, but I have an amazing set of friends. They are like my family, they are there for me when I need them, I can say anything to them and, apart from Mike, they are the only other people in the world who I can be myself with, and who make me laugh until I cry. They are not just my family, but Jake’s too, and what they have done for the both of us, goes beyond anything I ever expected. Sorry for the sob story, but I haven’t always been that fortunate with friends. From my days in primary school and secondary school, I only have about five real friends, who I still talk to constantly. Then I moved schools for sixth form, and this is where a large chunk of my friends come from. I can say with total confidence that the people I met here and especially at university, I will grow old with, and we will still be sat there (hopefully on my porch with a lot of alcohol flowing) making each other laugh, and talking about all the crazy things that we have done with our lives. I have shared so much with these people, and them with me, that at times I wonder how I became so lucky.

So, it is quite painful when one of these friends suddenly fades away. As much as these may be a number of reasons that don’t involve anyone else specifically, (and yes I am including myself in this), it is hard to let go of the memories and the things you have all shared, even though they may have moved on quite happily and let it all go. The problem is you find yourself wondering, and maybe even blaming yourself, thinking of all the things that have gone on and you wonder… I obviously need to stop wondering, because there are bigger things going on in people’s lives other than what I am talking about here, and maybe it isn’t something that they could talk to anyone about no matter who their friends are. Who knows? Certainly not me.

Moving on from this, you will all be pleased to know that I took Jake swimming this weekend, and it was a complete success. You may be wondering why I sound so shocked, but if you ask Mike, then you would know why. We took Jake to Tenerife last year and he screamed bloody murder when ever we tried taking him near the pool.  The really upsetting thing was that some little boy taught Jake how to jump off the side of the swimming pool without any fear what so ever. Upsetting? I hear you question, what is wrong with me? Well, he’s my little boy, my baby. How can he be like this already? I am not ready, I cannot have him changing so suddenly without any warning. The really sad thing is this- one day, I will turn round and he will be gone, living his own life and making his own choices, and taking much larger leaps than just the side of a swimming pool, but I am not ready to let go of it yet, of any of it. Don’t I sound crazy? I think I sound crazy…

Anyway, time to apply some of this writing to some essays. Hope you have a wonderful day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Full of regrets

Hello one and all,

It has certainly been a while hasn’t it!! Sorry, but in my defense I have been ever so slightly busy and well, I never really think that people might be interested!! Anyway, enough of the excuses we have much to catch up on…

We shall begin with Jake 🙂 Two weeks ago, this young man became an official toddler and no longer a baby, due to the fact that he joined the ‘Playroom’ in his Nursery where all the older kids move to once they hit the grand old age of two!! For me it was a mixture of emotions, fear, and such a feeling of proud, motherly love, that only someone with a child could possibly relate to. I have to sometimes pinch myself to remember to take more photos, and write more about him because the truth of the matter is that he is growing up faster than I can keep up. I sometimes worry that one day I will wake up and look into the eyes of a young, teenage boy and have no recollection of how we got to that point. Because it is just me that brings him up, and yes before you yell I know I have friends, family and Mike, but essentially it was me that pushed him out my behind so it’s just me…. Anyway, because it is just me, and I know what my memory is like, and what my fears are, I don’t want to not be able to tell him about what he was like when he was younger, to show him his drawings, or the first Mother’s Day card I ever got from him. I remember when my friend Abbie, a few months before I had him, sent me a baby book for me to fill in. I burst into tears as I looked over it and looked at all the parts that needed ‘Daddy’ to fill them in. I already feel like I have let him down, and so the more he grows, the more I feel he grows from me, and the more afraid I become of him one day wondering whether I had done a good enough job… Stupid is what I will assume you to be thinking, and if Mike were here, he would tell me to stop over-reacting and to get a grip. The problem is this though, no matter how I do at university, or what job I get, or what ever else comes along in my life, Jake is the most amazing, life changing and proudest moment I have ever gone through. So how can this little thing who use to be no bigger than a pencil dot on paper, now be talking a mile a minute? Or deciding what he wants to wear? How he wants to eat? What to watch on TV? I am not really ready to let go yet, but then the letting go will come when he eventually moves out and begins his own life, so a few years yet, I just don’t want them to rush me by… He is amazing, and as I am sure I have said before, it’s at times like these that I look at him and wonder how anyone could deny his existence… But I don’t suppose we shall ever know so lets leave that be.

Last week we went to Sheffield to visit Mike, and on the Saturday we went to see Rizzle Kicks!! Well it was just the most amazing gig I have been to in a very long time, they totally rocked the show and are such an amazing group to see live. Their album ‘Stereo Typical’ is out now, and is a real mixture of modern reggae and hip-hop, their lyrics for two guys so young, are sophisticated and perfect for even people as old as me 🙂 and just amazing to dance to! They also had amazing supporting acts!! The first was a guy called Random Impulse (@randomimpulse) who rapped and sang hip-hop, whilst mixing it up with an electric guitar and heavy rock beats. Now normally it wouldn’t be my kind of thing at all, but this totally worked and he was phenomenal! You can go to iTunes and find a few EP’s on there so I urge you to go!! The second act they had, was a girl called Pepper (@pepperofficial) and again, just amazing!! her voice was unlike anything I have personally ever heard before, a mixture of Katy B and Adele, singing about everything from broken hearts to making it in the music world. She had amazing stage presence and got the entire crowd pumped for Rizzle Kicks, yet making sure to leave a lasting impression on the crowd. There was however, one downside to this concert. Now I am going to sound like a complete mother here, but the amount of young girls at the gig in tiny, barely there ‘might as well have just been wearing underwear’ pants and killer heels was a shocking sight. I mean who on earth allows children to go out dressed like that? My mum would have killed me, locked me and thrown away the key had I even dared to look at such outfits. Do parents not see their kids before they leave the house? I am sorry because I am judging and I don’t like to judge other parents, but if that was my daughter, I would be really embarrassed. And also, it was utterly freezing that night!! Hello, has no one heard of pneumonia? Well, that’s that rant over… for now. Whilst in Sheffield I also got to meet up with some old friends, and hang out in the city, which made me realise how much I have missed it. After all these years of saying that city life just wasn’t for me, I realised I was being a total idiot and couldn’t be happier living in such a place!! This of course got me even more excited for London, so I really need to get cracking on finding a job and somewhere to live.

Finally, I am going to possibly assume that you may be wondering about the title. Well recently, my head has been going into over drive, looking into the past and wondering about how things might have changed had I done things differently. It is safe to say that I have done things I am not proud of at all, and I sometimes think I would take them back in an instance (none of this is referring to Jake by the way), but then I wonder would I still be the person I am now had I not done them, and where would I be in life? The problem with thinking like this is, even if you do it for a split second, the feeling of regret lingers on, and all of a sudden it smacks you square in the face until you have to face up to it and decide whether you agree with the regrets or simply ignore them and go on with your life. One of my biggest fears in life is dying and regretting. So I try to not regret anything I do, but it is hard… The other problem is, it is now too late to change anything, so really what’s the point of worrying? My problem is I care about what people think, in a very major way, probably more than normal people. And the thing is, what ever people think of me, they will think and judge on Jake too, and that is really scary. There are things that one day he may have to hear about, and his judgement is the one I dread most, because let’s be honest, who wants parents that they are ashamed of?

Anyway, I must crack on with some work. However, if anyone has any words of wisdom, comments, or criticisms, please feel free to get in touch, however afraid I am, I like to know and you never know, you may be the comment that changes me in some way.

Have a great day and week xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A quick thing…

Hello,

I can’t stop for long sadly but I just wanted to quickly mention a couple of things that have been annoying me writing wise.

Why can people not learn the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too’? It is the most annoying thing in the world, and it is just so lazy. For goodness sake this is just so practical, who hasn’t learnt it by now? I see it everywhere, especially social network sites.

Guys step it up a bit, and stop with the lazy writing.

Have a wonderful Sunday xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Our day

Hello,

Well today has been eventful to say the least, and not all in a good way. But at least it is sorted now and thank goodness we have no snow (hope you don’t either).

I guess firstly, I should confess. That post I wrote yesterday was a slight sham because Mike and I were fighting. Why hide it? Who knows but things were not good, but are now getting better thank goodness. Also I am a liar, though I didn’t realise this until earlier today. I was thinking about what I had written, and I thought hold on, why wouldn’t I want to live with him? That was when I realised I had been lying, though I can’t figure out why…

Anyway, on to Jake. I have a confession on this too. Remember how I wrote over Christmas that I was really struggling to spend time with him because we weren’t use to it? Well I was honestly dreading this weekend because it is the first one with just me and Jake spend it together in over a month. I was so scared that I wouldn’t know what to do and that I would get cross with him due to my lack of sleep, (brought on by the above problem), and when I am tired poor Jake suffers. But I didn’t give in to exhaustion 🙂 I took him out into town despite the weather and we went shopping. he wasn’t too bad in all honesty though I suspect it will get worse with his age, (he’s only just two). And then I took him to play at my friend’s house who also has a little girl and they also have central heating… and yes I was taking advantage so don’t judge me!! But well it has been just one of the perfect days ever!! He has been so cuddly and funny!! I will post some photos just so you get a better idea, but it’s times like this that I look at him and think, I am the luckiest person in the world. Period.

Anyway I have to go my hands are freezing up 😦 hope you are all warm and safe, enjoy the weather whatever you are experiencing!!

 

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Not ready yet

Hello,

Well this week has been incredibly long, as I thought it would be. I suddenly realised that actually I am a little lonely. Now don’t misunderstand. As I have said before, I have wonderful friends who I can go and see when ever and who come to see me. I also have things to keep me busy, Jake included. However, there is a sense of loneliness every day when I realise that actually, the person I would quite like to see, to simply spend five minutes with isn’t there. Having all of last week with Mike was quite amazing, however we discovered something- we are definitely not ready to live together. And this struck me as rather odd because we spent last week together and actually, it was great fun. And if the feeling lonely is due to him not being around, then surely that would mean that being around him more would be the answer. However, I am quite annoying and so is he. We are both incredibly stubborn, and will keep arguing our points even if we are wrong. Sometimes he assumes I am an idiot, and other times, I assume he has reverted back to being two. We can’t cook together either I do it or he does, because otherwise we interfere, and it annoys the both of us. We also have different rules and opinions on how our relationship should go. He cracks all his bones too, which makes me feel ill, and after he has made the effort to tidy the house, I leave things everywhere- I think I might be worse than Jake.

However, there is no one on this earth who makes me laugh and smile as much as he does. He always gives me great advice, and even though he thinks I don’t listen to it, I do, he’s sort of like my Bible that I try to live by. When we got back together, I stopped being obsessed with the gym and my figure, and he didn’t care. He drove through two metres of snow to get to the hospital to watch me give birth to Jake, after swearing that he would have as little involvement with anything as possible. He drove me the doctors too, he wasn’t freaked when he felt Jake kick, and when I told him that the midwife had stated that (don’t read the following if you are a prude or squeamish) giving blow jobs and swallowing can help to bring on contractions, he of course kindly offered himself 🙂 He has driven to see me a million times, has driven me to Bangor a million times, and hardly ever charges me petrol money. He listens to me 99% of the time, even when I am ranting or upset over the smallest and most insignificant things possible. He helped me out when I had to leave home, supported me when we were living together in Sheffield and I had a full-time job that payed next to nothing. He has lent me money, and sent me food care packages when I have been really skint. He doesn’t mind waking up next to me, he likes to see me without make-up, and after leaving last week, he sent me his old jumpers because he knew how cold it is and how much I love to wear them. He surprised me with extra photo printing paper for my new printer, as well as setting it up because he knows how rubbish I am with technology. He finds things out for me, like where to get good pans or ordering a cable to connect my laptop to things. He helps me sort my house out, he teaches me a million new things every day. And the best thing about him apart from him loving me so much? You guys should see him with Jake. Mike met Jake’s dad and never ever smacked him in the face, despite how awful he was to him. I was more scared of telling Mike I was pregnant than telling my parents, because he was totally free to walk away and not support me through it, as I assumed he would do and I would have understood too. But he didn’t walk away, he stood by me and still does now. He plays with Jake in ways that I can’t seem to be able to do. He teaches him things, and makes sure that I get him gifts when he thinks I am being mean and tight-fisted with my money!! He gets Jake to do things I can’t like actually listening. He makes him giggle and Mike has even been known to change a nappy or two. He took him out for two days on his own when Mike knew I had 7000 words to write, and loved it. He buys him gifts too, and I reckon he finds him funnier than he finds me too. The two of them together are a nightmare sometimes, and he makes sure Jake is taught how to wind me up. And Jake loves him to bits, and asks for him every morning… the bugger!!

So, if all this is going on then moving in would sort of seem like a natural step wouldn’t it? But the thing is, and this is no judgement on anyone else but, we are only 23. We have (hopefully) the rest of our lives to do the ‘together forever’ thing, so why rush now? And besides, he can really be annoying 🙂

Jake has a fantastic role model doesn’t he?

Enjoy your day.

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