The age thing again… But in more detail

Hey!

Okay don’t all moan at once, and don’t roll your eyes either because you will all get to the point where it feels like this is ALL you talk about. For me currently, it feels like I talk/think/dream/eat my age non stop, and I wanted to put a thought out into the technological universe and see what you all thought.

I am 23. It is painful to write that and think, gosh, that is a lot of years. I know compared to parents and other people it isn’t, but to me, well I may as well be 50. Now I am not wanting to wish my life away, or not trying to make the most of it at all. I just feel like a large chunk of my life has gone by, and I am only getting older, and what do I have to show for it? Okay… even to me that sounded incredibly ungrateful, but I don’t mean it that way. I have gotten to 23, which some people sadly may never do. I have (almost) completed university, and passed. I have managed to cope with a child on my own for two years and nearly three months. I have lived on my own since I was about 18 and coped. I have had some amazing relationships, and have discovered the most amazing friends a person could possibly have. That, is all a lot of things to do by the age of 23. I think what I might be trying to talk about isn’t actually getting older, or feeling older, but maybe acting older? Does this make sense? Okay, let me explain…

I am a mother. That, to me personally, means that instantly I should be acting and doing things in a totally different manner. I shouldn’t go out to have a drink, or spend money going to the cinema, or get those really cute shoes I may only wear a handful of times. I shouldn’t argue with people, think mean thoughts, or act in a petty, childish manner. I feel guilty when all of these things occur, but why do they keep happening if I feel guilty? What is the correct way to act at 23 when you also have a child? There is a part of me, that quite honestly, has been growing slightly. A part of me that has begun to crave just one extra minute in bed, or not worrying too much about paying for those shoes, or it not being such a huge pain in the butt if my hang over lasts for over two days. There is a small part of me that wants to hand in my dissertation and get on the first available plane to the other side of the world, and discover it. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to be worrying about flats/jobs/good safe areas to live in/good schools, it all seems like a little much for a 23-year-old. And I know what you are all thinking. You are judging me not just for thinking these things, but for actually typing them. And wondering how Jake will react should he ever read this. But then that is the nail right there. Jake. I may feel like this more often than I would like to, but at the same time, the moment I see him or think about him, it all disappears. Because it is all worth it, or will be once I have finished university, and then on to the next task. I will never again know what it is like to get that extra minute in bed, but I do know what it is like to wake up with Jake and be able to have him lie next to me in bed, spreading biscuit crumbs everywhere. I will for ever be feeling guilty about any money I might choose to spend on myself, but then I feel so great when I am able to put money away in his savings account. (He actually has more money than me) And that hang over that lasts for two days? Worth it because the pictures are awesome, my son is always in safe and capable hands, and he makes the hang over bearable. Plus, I barely go out 🙂

Essentially what I am saying is that, yes I admit it, my aunt was right. Having a child means giving up a part of you, perhaps regardless of what age you have the child? Who knows. But yes, my aunt was right. However, what she was also right about, was the things you get back from having a child. I walked into nursery today to collect Jake, and not only did he come running with his usual smile and ‘mummy, mummy!!’ yells, but I picked him up and he wrapped his little arms as tightly as he is capable of doing, and gave me the most amazing cuddle I have ever had in my life. And that is why it is worth sometimes moaning about my age. Because I am ahead mentally and emotionally. I am not saying that to brag, or rub it in, or to make myself superior, but it is true. Children make you grow, hopefully for the better.

Anyway, hope you sort of get where I am coming from. I am now going to read Harry Potter… I never said I had given up all childhood traits.

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It’s so close to the end

Hello,

I have roughly four weeks left at university. I have no job as of yet and will have nowhere to live once the end of May rolls round. I am not freaking out though, and I feel like I should be. Instead I am sat here at my laptop, wondering…. well just wondering actually. So essentially wasting my time is what we should call it. So I figured if I am going to waste it, I may as well not and write about it. Does that make sense? Are you still following? I think I’ve lost myself…

Anyway, Jake is being fantastically funny at the minute. The nursery caught him eating biscuits and cakes that seem to have materialised out of thin air. They have no idea how he got hold of them and when they attempted to carry out an interrogation, he simply proceeded to repeat the last word of every sentence i.e. did you get it from the kitchen? ‘kitchen’ did you get it from the side? ‘side’ etc. I think this is genius on his part, but I wish I knew how he was doing it, I would love to know how to sneak stuff past Mike… and my bank so that they stop charging me for stuff that is essential…

I caught the sun today and that has made me feel amazing. The sun solves everything. Go out in it and play, but also be responsible and do some work because it is essential to your life. Don’t be lazy, stop expecting other people to guide you through life. Put in all the effort you have and then some, stop taking people for granted and smile. At everything and anything until your face hurts.

I am not drunk by the way, just having one of those ‘I am so mad at someone but they won’t know and I hate being mad at them’ moments. Jake helps because he is amazing, and he rocks. He’s also able to wear girls pink tights, which to me screams ‘ballerina’.

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Grateful

Hello,

Been a while hasn’t it…

Have had a few things going on, and I wanted to come and type but couldn’t. I thought this is essentially a diary that I am making public. And then it occurred to me that one day, people may read it and judge me. I have such a massive fear of being judged… and I have done a lot of things so far, some which people don’t agree with and some that people do agree with, but I don’t regret any of them. So I wondered whether I should? Perhaps there is something not quite right with me?

But, as the title stipulates, I am grateful for the things I have done. I wouldn’t change any of it because otherwise I wouldn’t be who I am now. Some people may well argue that I could be a better person, and they are right, there aspects of myself that I do try to change because no one wants a bad personality. I like the idea that I am still maturing, like a good wine. But I wouldn’t change it. For one of my lectures I am writing a story in a ‘What If’ scenario, based on the idea that instead of walking out of the abortion clinic refusing to go through with the act, I do and things happen differently. But of course it is all guess-work. Maybe a few things would have happened differently, but writing the story just confirmed the fact that I had no regrets about the decision I made that day, or at any other times in my life so far. Obviously you never know, but still so far I am happy. So, although  what is put on to the internet is permanent, and so will this blog be (hopefully) I decided to man up and get over it. After all, people can always decide to not read it.

Jake isn’t very well. He has a cough and a tap like nose that just never stops running. The poor little thing, it breaks my heart to have him ill, though he is still enough of himself to throw a good wobbler… He’s doing so well though, I took him to the park on Sunday and watched him run around the jungle gym without any help from me… and I thought, where has my baby gone? He becomes more independent by the day, and it makes me crave the idea of having a new little person who’s entirely dependent on me… though that won’t be happening for at least another two years. And, yes I know, Jake still needs me and will do for the rest of his life, it’s just that beginning bit, when the world to them appears so huge and scary and they need their mummy. I still occasionally get the feeling myself, and am not ashamed to admit that I speak to my mum every day. She has on occasion, called me if I have gone for just one day without communicating with her in some sort of way. Anyway, apart from the constant snot, Jake is great.

I have started officially job hunting. It’s actually been great fun, and though no successes have occurred yet, I am ever hopeful. I am so excited and not one bit scared, though I assume I should be. I have roughly five weeks to find a job and somewhere to live…. oh and obviously to pass my actual degree… but I try to overlook the last bit. Third year has been such a struggle. I am going to sound so stupid because of course third year is going to be hard, but this year has been the worst. I came so close to giving up after Christmas, and it was only thanks to my mum that I decided to come back. I have struggled, and am still struggling. Not just with an overwhelming fear of failure, but a total feeling of loss. That is frightening, I don’t like feeling lost. It’s at times like these that I develop a serious case of itchy feet and decide to make bold choices like move countries… But that is essentially another story. I have Jake though, and right now, that’s the most important thing.

Anyway, must dash, I have an episode of Fringe to watch as a treat to myself.

Enjoy your evenings, and don’t regret anything, if you can’t even be yourself you certainly won’t manage to be someone else.

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My baby is back

Hello,

Well, it certainly has been a crazy old week! Hope a good crazy for you all, mine certainly was! I did 3500 in a day, which just goes to show that you shouldn’t do what I do 🙂 I got my tattoo and gave it a twist of my own, and I discovered that as much as I complain about Jake, I can’t cope without him, and I am trying to work out if that is a good thing or a bad.

He went to his very first ever sleep over on Friday night, thanks to my wonderful friend Kayleigh, and I had quite a reaction to it. I got excited at the prospect of knowing I could sleep in and stay out with my friends for an extra few minutes than normal… and then I had an emotional crash and came home, and the sight of his empty bed almost killed me. Sorry that does sound a tad dramatic, and it isn’t like I haven’t ever left him before, I have done it three times in total, but normally I am staying somewhere else not coming back to our home that we share together. This is going to sound so stupid but I realised that he really is my whole, entire life. He is everything to me, and seeing that little bed empty made me cry. At the end of the day, what is the point in me if he isn’t around? It also put a lot of things in perspective, such as university. I do it all for him, because I can’t stand the idea of ever working this hard and it be for nothing. I know university compared to other things may seem trivial to others, but I realised if I didn’t do this, I would be failing the both of us. And all this from an empty cot… I am going crazy I think but you know what? It is totally worth it. We had the best day today, it was like catching up on a whole year of his life rather than just a few hours, and there is nothing in the world that compares to the look on his face when I turn up to collect him.

But the guilt that comes with all this joy is almost equal. I almost went and knocked on Kayleigh’s door, I am making it sound like she forced me to keep him 🙂 she didn’t she’s just an amazing friend who totally gets it because she has a daughter herself, but the guilt has caused me to beat myself up about it all day. Oh yeah and I am going away next Friday to visit Mike… the thought of cancelling has crossed my mind several times. The thing with me and Jake is that we have this bond, that all mothers reading this will understand, and if you don’t have kids yourself, ask your mothers about it. This bond is unbeatable. There is nothing in the world that comes close, not even finding the love of your life. So when you decide to be selfish, you tend to feel like you might as well just abandon your child, because what mother can justify leaving their child to have a few hours to herself? To feel normal?

As I have said before, I also tend to over-think things. So as you can imagine, in my mind everyone is judging me (no one is) so the feeling of guilt increases ten fold. I do feel however, that because of my situation, some unfair assumptions have been made, mostly coming from the older generation, which to a certain extent you could understand. After all, they know better and they only want to help. And I can be just as judgmental which really annoys me because I hate being like it. But how can you explain to someone who the idea of just having a few hours to yourself is a good enough reason? And some of you may argue, well, she’s at university during the week, that is time isn’t it? Except, when you don’t have your child running around your feet, you are thinking about the assignments that have to be in, the reading and research you still need to do, the friends you have neglected to see, trying to explain to your family why you can’t go and see them, trying to explain to family why they can’t make an impromptu visit, how you will pay the bills, which bills you will pay, whether that little treat for yourself which cost ÂŁ5 or more was really necessary, what items you can sell to make more money, which body parts you can sell to make money, worrying about sorting out a job and accommodation, what you will do if you don’t achieve those things straight away, where you will go if you can’t make it in your choice of destination, how to prove to the people who doubted you than you can do it and surpass their expectations, what your conversation with your partner will be about, wondering if they will ever decide what they want from you, how far forward they want to move, how to make sure that you don’t freak them out by telling them how far forward you want to move, how you’re going to find a nursery that is as good as the current one, what up routing will do to your child, whether an au pair or child minder might be a better option, will they suffer from not being with other kids, does that mean you should start planning for when you might have a sibling… I really could go on. I am not looking for sympathy, I am not looking for a pat on the back, or for a ‘I told you so’, I am looking for an answer, for a rationalisation to these feelings and emotions… or maybe just because I am a mother is my answer? I hope not, I’d like to think there are people out there who are just as mad as me…

Anyway, I should try to shut my brain off… hope you all sleep well.

 

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Exhausted

Hello,

Wow, what a few days I have had. Well actually few years, I sort of feel like I have been permanently tired for ages. And yes I know I am not the only one feeling this way, don’t worry 🙂 I just can’t remember the last time I felt fresh-faced and brimming with energy, but then do people my age ever feel like that again? I know I am not really old, but I am old enough, I certainly feel that way. But back to this weekend. I think you all ought to know that the Pork Curry was quite a success, and instead of rice, we had it with barely and even Jake loved it, which is reassuring. Mike and I also went to see The Woman in Black and (apologies for the language) but I shat myself. It was brilliant though, Mike and I saw the theater production five years ago, and I was really glad to see they hadn’t changed too much. Of course, because of the technology, they were able to go slightly further with the special effects, but I liked that they kept everything as close to the original as possible. Too many times films that are originally books are changed beyond recognition. The only exception that I can think of this is with Dear John. Now I am a huge Nicholas Sparks fan, I have read The Note Book a million times, but this time he was such a let down. The book was worse than the film, and that is me being polite. Anyway, on Sunday evening we had people over for a roast, and though they all claimed to enjoy it, I was so upset with myself because I cannot seem to get my Yorkshire Puddings right, ever. When I cook, I become slightly…. well, anal. So I therefore am going to have to keep attempting to make them and see if I will ever get it right. I also blame my oven…. and the fact that Mike made the mixture.

Mike left today, I hate it when he leaves. I sort of end up going into myself, and resenting the entire world, which is just not healthy. The thing is I know that in roughly six weeks (yes, I am shitting myself that it’s that close to the end) university will all be over and we will be starting our lives in London (hopefully, if I get everything sorted) but going to bed alone, even cooking or doing very minimal stuff suddenly becomes pointless. Why do it alone when you can do it all sharing the moments with the person you love? I hope he doesn’t kill me for writing all this, he got a bit cross when I wrote about us having a fight, even though I didn’t give details…. men. Anyway, the other thing is every time we see each other, the relationship takes a gradual step forwards, which of course I get overly excited about. Him leaving is almost like taking a million steps in the other direction. But I shall man up, because there are people out there who don’t see their partners for months on end and they don’t complain so I am just being a bit of a shit really.

And also, I have lots to look forward to this week. I am getting my new tattoo tomorrow which is always exciting. And on Friday, I am going to see my best friend Gigi in her musical adaptation of Hamlet- Hamletta. I am very excited, and she is a fantastic actress and singer to watch, so keep her name in mind. She also has a blog of her own- http://Justagirlwithcoinsinherpockets.blogspot.com Now the wonderful thing about Gigi, apart from her being a wonderful friend, is also that she is amazing with make-up and fashion, and her blog is full of fantastic tips and tests she carries our herself. So go and check it out, and if you live in Bangor, Hamletta will be performed from Thursday till Saturday at the Beaumaris Leisure Centre. I urge you to go and see it.

Right I must be off, I have a dissertation meeting, and I suspect I shall be massacred. Have a great day.

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