Destiny

Hello,

I have been slightly busy. Ever so slightly, plus the Bank Holiday… though I hate to call it that because I worked for all of it and I am therefore, exhausted. Though of course I am sure a lot of you are. You have a lot going on in your life, and quite honestly, my ramblings shouldn’t be keeping you from what ever you are in the middle of… so you know, crack on. However, it would be really cool if you could have the option of having blog posts read out you, sort of like a bed time story, imagine Stephen Fry reading this out to you as you either go to bed or just potter about the house? Pretty cool.

Of course this is all ridiculous, because let us face it, why would Stephen Fry read blogs, when he did so well at reading out Harry Potter? I could listen to those non stop. Anyway, I am very much not on subject. As I was saying, I have been mega busy with work as they have finally upped my hours, and yes I am still waitressing. I am trying to find something else, but I am finding that unless I have at least two years experience minimum, or a friend has passed on my CV, then nothing is getting back to me. The problem is, the ideal job I want you need to have the work experience, and if I wasn’t having to support Jake, then of course I would go for all the unpaid work experience or internships. I do understand that having the experience is useful, it just makes it a bit like constantly smacking your head against a brick wall when lack of experience is what you get turned down for. How can I get the experience if no one will hire me? I am also extremely tired of having to ask my friends if they hear of anything. It makes me feel like a total job whore.

But things will turn out well because they always do. I have a very serious belief in things happening for a reason. I’ll give you an example. If I had never gone to Italy, I may never have ended up in Bangor and may be sat in a very different place right now. I know it’s a lot of things that you can say what if to, but they happened for a reason. I was meant to end up sitting in my bed in Tunbridge Wells, with a degree and with Jake, and especially with Mike. Mike is for me, quite the focus point for things happening a certain way. We were meant to be. I don’t say this to sound cocky or to rub it in anyone’s face, but that is what I believe. He is my soul mate, my best friend, and the one person in the entire world who I cannot hide anything from. I realise that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. What ever has happened between us, and what ever we may say to other people, we have always been in love with each other. Even when we weren’t together. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Jon a great deal, but it never came close to what I felt for Mike. You can’t just define it as different, because it wasn’t just different. There was no comparing it. We were meant to get back together, and therefore everything else had to happen because I can’t get my head around my world ending up with Mike not in it.

This doesn’t just apply to Mike, it also applies to Jake. I was on my way to London the other day to visit my friend Suzie, and as we hadn’t seen each other in over a year, we had a lot of catching up to do. Suzie is one of those amazing people who you can go without physically seeing for a few months or a year, but the minute you lay eyes on each other, it is like nothing has ever changed. She is still one of my best friends, and one if not the only person I speak to on a regular basis from when I was at Uplands. Anyway, we were catching up and she was asking about Jake and how I had found juggling my final year, and how I had found university as a whole with Jake because Suzie knew how much I didn’t want to go. It was then that it hit me, and this is how I explained my thoughts from earlier on in my journey to see her. There were times that I struggled at University, especially when I went back and especially after Christmas this year. But it was never a struggle with Jake, it was simply a struggle with an overwhelming feeling of fear and absolute certainty that I would fail. I look at Jake and yes, sometimes I panic, and I probably do a lot of things with him that other parents would disagree with, perhaps I am not even an average parent. However, I feel with Jake that I was always destined to have him. Whether it would have been slightly later or earlier, it doesn’t matter. He was meant to come to me. Just like Mike, Jake completes me, he makes me whole. Recently, I have felt really bad because a couple of times I have heard myself say ‘If I didn’t have Jake, of course I’d be doing this and this…’ I don’t mean that to say that I blame him for where I am now, because I actually feel that I didn’t have him, there are a lot of things that would not have taken place, Mike and I getting back together being one of them. I simply mean that there are things that I can and cannot do, and things that I can get away with doing and something things that I can’t. If I could, I would spend an entire year simply doing work experience, volunteering and going travelling, doing all I could to add to my CV, but because of my commitments to Jake, I can’t. So I try to do other things and I know that they will get me to where I need to be eventually. Because Jake was meant to happen, everything else that happens is for a specific reason. I don’t actually feel like I am missing out on anything.

This does bring me on to my next point quite nicely… I think. trying to juggle university and Jake full-time had its ups and downs, but as I have always maintained, if you have a great support system then you will be fine. And more to the point, you should be working to going back to education because you won’t get anywhere otherwise, no matter how much work experience you have. Working full-time and juggling Jake is an entirely different thing. I am exhausted, constantly. No matter what time I go to bed or if I nap, I have permanent bags under my eyes. Which means that I get snappy with Jake a lot. The poor boy doesn’t know what he might wake up to. This makes me feel utterly shit. I am racked with guilt, more than is healthy for one person. I feel bad about not being there, and then I feel bad for being there but having a bad mood. I feel bad for not doing more with him, then I feel like I do too much and desperately hope he becomes a little more independent. Except that I hate him not needing me and ignoring me when Mike is around. I also don’t count much when Mike isn’t here but there we are. I feel bad for leaving him in nursery, but then I argue with myself that him interacting with other children is good for him, and he is learning so much there too, so how could I possibly get in the way of that? Plus we all need a break at times from both parents and children, so it has to be good right? Except sometimes, Jake asks to go home. And sometimes Jake cries hysterically for no reason, and I can’t console him. I get a lot of people asking me why I don’t just go on benefits and stay at home with him. This baffles me because I am more than capable of working, and what would me getting free money teach Jake? I like working, I like earning my own money and being able to pay my own bills and not rely on people. I understand that there are people who desperately need the money, so why should I get it?

Anyway, I feel like I have rambled a lot tonight. This will teach me to leave it so long between posts.

Please feel free to leave parenting suggestions.

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P.S As I am writing this, I am watching an animal documentary narrated by Stephen Fry… Destiny obviously.

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A new page

Hello,

So, I finally have internet in my house, hence the fact that you are about to get a million posts in one day. But hey ho, I need to fill in for about two weeks worth of things going on. The house is coming along so well, I finally have a sofa and I have my very first guest coming to stay on Sunday 🙂 Holly is coming and that will be amazing!! I also have to make my very first vegetarian roast without any form of carbs what so ever… Mike and I have started a diet… I’m not sure what has possessed us, apart from our need to tone up and lose weight obviously, sheer stupidity comes to mind. So yes, exciting times ahead!! The house is officially open for visitors so do come say hi 🙂 Also, though of course I am not going to make a big deal out of it, Mike has decided to move in. I am happy (stupidly happy) and that is all I will say otherwise I will get into trouble.

So, now that is over and done with, on to the next chapter. University is officially over, and I am officially out in the big bad world so the following posts will be about that. They will also be about Jake and coping with working whilst looking after him, so be prepared for far more exciting posts than this one.

I have to go prepare some fish. I tell you the big bad world has never smelt so bad.

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It’s over, for good.

Hello,

I was walking home from work last night and I tweeted my friend Gigi because I was suddenly hit with an over whelming need to speak to her and let her know that I miss her an awfully huge amount. I then began to think about all the people I had been to uni with, what I might have been doing this week had I been with them, and it hurt. It was actually painful to think about how though the friendships will last for ever, the time has come to go out into the world and I will no longer come home to a house full of my friends eating yummy food, or planning to go out in funky outfits, walk up Bitch Hill to lectures, or attempt to swallow Mike’s Bites breakfast when dying of a hang over, or going shopping and looking at things we couldn’t afford but persuading each other to get them anyway (I believe the pressure was mainly coming from me and maybe Gigi :p) I miss them a lot. What struck me was that, after doing a post for Jake, I never did one for them, and they deserve one because without them, I wouldn’t have done it, and this way I can close the book on uni and start on to the future. It may also stop you being bored, who knows.

So, in no particular order…

Thank you to Gigi, Boz, Abbie, Cassie, Abbey, Holly, Jamie, Ginge Jay, Lewis, Paul, Napier, Daryl, Ned, Allan, and yes there are others who have been amazing, but these guys were there from the moment Jon walked away, they have been there when I have cried about the past, when I have been unable to let go and kept talking about Jon (I think I occasionally still do that after a gin or…. 50) they have been there for me during the pregnancy, right at the start and brought me amazing pickled gherkins from Marks and Spencer. They have sent me cards and gifts, remembered me when I wasn’t there for a year, and still kept me involved. They have taken me in and fed me and Jake, they have looked after him numerous of times without ever taking a penny from me. They have kept me sane when I have needed a break from the pressures of uni and parenting. They have made me laugh till my sides split, and I have had tears sliding down my face. Above all else, they have helped me raise a beautiful, happy, healthy child who remembers all of them, who laughs and asks to go home to those people, to the damp little house, filled with love, laughter and of course, the amazing and incredible food.

They have also laughed at my jokes, which means that they are indispensable, they are our family.

Thank you guys, there aren’t really enough words that I could write, but thank you so much for making my university experience the best experience of my life, thank you for always being there to help me through it, and above all else, thank you for helping me raise such an amazing child.

Goodbye Bangor, the past four years have been incredible, and if I could, I would do them all over again.

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