Eat, drink and be merry

Hello,

I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and are getting ready for a wonderful new year!! Be safe!! And have an extra gin on me!!

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La vita e bella…

Buona sera,

It has been a very long and eventful week. I am not really sure where to start, but it has definitely been long. I had this entire amazing idea of how I would write this post and now, I am not sure how to proceed. I have been in Italy for six days and thus have begun to process thoughts and phrases in Italia, the overwhelming need to swear in Italian has become pretty strong too, which I put down to the fact that my dad use to make such a huge deal about swearing… of course these days he is the worst one of us all. It is weird though because the amount of things that have happened make me think that a longer period of time has elapsed but it hasn’t. It has merely been seven days, seven long, wonderful, happy, sad, scary, thrilling emotional days which have changed us all for the better. I shall begin…

Last Sunday, we were at my mothers having just enjoyed a rather wonderful meal when both mine and Mike’s phones began to ring uncontrollably. Sadly, it wasn’t good news, and so we left for home feeling much less festive than when we had arrived, and it cast a dampened mood over the following week as we were due to fly out to Italy on the Wednesday. The plans changed and so it became that Mike could no longer come on holiday with us, which for me was terrible because I had been counting on him more than he was aware to get me through the trip. I hadn’t seen my Italian family for well over four years and though I was extremely excited, they hadn’t yet met Jake and as far as I was aware, they were only being fed information through my dad. Relations between the two of us have not been brilliant for a while, so I knew that he was focusing a lot on the things I had done, and decisions I had made that he did not agree with, just as I had done for him. Plus, Italy is still very Catholic… an unmarried single mother is never the best thing to bring home is it 🙂 I arrived feeling exhausted from being nervous about flying with Jake on my own (he was great of course, butter wouldn’t melt the bugger) and arrived at my aunt and uncle’s house to a rather wonderful message from Mike… his family had bought him a new flight and he would arrive Friday morning… nothing apart from the birth of my son has ever made me feel quite so amazing.

Of course you know me, all that happiness is covering an overwhelming feeling of guilt and gratefulness to his family that will take a while to re-pay. The other amazing thing that happened this holiday was seeing all my relatives and old friends fall madly in love with my boys. My uncle was especially wonderful to watch. You have to understand that this comes as a shock to me, the fact that they were so accepting of both Mike and Jake, because I focused a lot on what other people have said in the past. This week has done a lot to both Mike and I, family has never been more important, and suddenly all the things that have been said and done in the past don’t matter anymore. I know it’s a bit ‘OMG everyone says that’ sort of thing, but life is short, shorter than anybody realises. So I decided to stop being angry, to stop allowing my brain to even wonder about things of the past, because it is done. It has happened, and changing it wouldn’t make a difference, I believe the outcomes would have been the same.

Something I didn’t expect to happen was to fall even further in love with Mike, I assumed now that we lived together I had reached the limit 😉 I certainly didn’t think it would get any better. The thing is that I forget all the things he does. Terrible I know, and it took my family in Italy to point out the stuff I had forgotten and overlooked, to remind me that I don’t need anything more. Disgusting I know. To say that Mike is amazing doesn’t quite cover it. It isn’t enough to mention that he loves me without make-up, or that he doesn’t care that I do not have Rihanna’s body… (I can’t fully vouch for that one but that’s what he told me last time I asked) Even mentioning how he is with Jake isn’t enough because it doesn’t cover everything. Mike is currently bathing Jake. Nothing big to you, but it is exhausting because Jake loves water. I mean seriously has a weird over the top obsession with water that I cannot understand. Mike knows when I have reached the end and patience is wearing thin, so he sorts Jake out. He thinks of things like Advent calendars which me being a total Scrooge, didn’t even want because they cost so much money and because I have been brought up on the ones with pretty nativity scenes on it… not chocolate. He sorts out the finances and tells me the exact amount I need to be putting into the joint account to cover not just the bills, but all other eventualities, as well as making sure I have enough in my own account to cover personal bills and leave me some spare to play with every month. He remembered to pack Jake’s medicine for that cough he picked up in Italy. He will clean up the house after telling me to do it thousandths of times because he knows that though he nags, I hate cleaning, I mean I really hate it, and it won’t get done if he doesn’t do it. I do eventually help because I feel guilty, but he has to start and push me hard. This isn’t even close to everything. I can’t go on because otherwise I would bore you stupid, but he is amazing and then some. Above all else, he loves Jake as much as I love Jake. Though he isn’t ready to be labeled ‘dad’ yet, he loves him as though he was and he would do anything for him, which counts for so much. Mike has been through a lot this week, I felt awful because I was limited with what I could do. Despite him going through stuff, he showed enough emotion that his family sent him out to me. I got a text from his mum thanking me for making him so happy. I was shocked because, well… You wonder whether you are doing enough don’t you? Do you? I love him so very much that I hope that for the rest of our lives, I will get close to making him feel just as happy. I have the most amazing, loving family that all care for each other, which is amazing enough, and then I get to come home to Mike and Jake… Okay I am done gloating… It wasn’t what I was going for, more an explanation of this week and what it has meant.

The trip to Italy was a success. I didn’t manage to see everyone, but I did spend the time with people who I was desperate to see, such as my cousin who was really ill last year. I met his beautiful daughter who got on very well with Jake, but made him look like the devil child (I assure you that at times, he can be) I spent time with my cousins. I returned to the village I grew up in, and went to see my family who looked after us whilst my parents worked, as well as all their families too. We ate a lot, an absolutely obscene amount and how we weren’t having to be rolled on to the plane I will never know. It snowed too!! It was just the most wonderful time and I admit, though I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, I have slight holiday blues. But we have vowed to go back so it’s okay 🙂 Mike has kindly organised us putting money aside every month for a return trip… because he’s good like that.

Anyway, the fact that we haven’t killed each other after living together thus far is pretty amazing in itself. Mind you I have come close.

Enjoy your evening.

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P.S It was my birthday on Saturday… I became 24… I am not okay with it xx

A head, a hard place, and a lot of rubble

Hello,

You know when you get those days when you just feel like you are reverting back to a cave person, because all you can muster when being asked a question is a grunt or worse, just screaming? It’s usually frustration, or anger, or just a feeling of being misunderstood. Perhaps, as the other half might say, just a slight over reaction. Either way, something is bothering you. It then gets worse because you can’t always work out what caused you to become so ’emotional’, so that means you get even more annoyed, or frustrated, etc… you get the point. I thought that after having Jake and getting through university, the hardest bit would be getting the job, you know THE job. Well it turns out, that after finding THE job (I realise that I have only been at my new job for five weeks but I love it, so indulge me) there are other things that I found myself thinking about. The thing is, I love Jake to bits, you’d be stupid to think otherwise after reading the things I have written however and please don’t judge me, I put things on hold for him once already. Sounds terrible doesn’t it? But you see this got me thinking, I know deep down in the very depth of my core that one child is not going to be enough, I definitely will want more. However, I do not want any now so don’t worry, I am not about to announce anything. But what do people do in these cases? What do you choose? I know what you are thinking, why am I even thinking about this when I have clearly stated that I don’t want any children right now etc blah blah blah… But the thing is, I don’t want to be put in that place again where I have to make a choice. By all means correct me if I am wrong, but having to make that choice over three years ago as to whether to go ahead with having Jake or not was the hardest thing I ever did, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Some people do know exactly what they want and that is admirable, because I think if you are able to do that with such a decision then you are amazing. I would like to state at this point that I in no way judge anyone at all for what ever they might choose, what was right for me is not right for others depending on who they are, what they want from life, and the situations they find themselves in. The thing is I want it all one day, and I’m not sure that you can. So the question is, what do I potentially stand to lose?

Tad morbid for a Saturday night isn’t it… Also I know, why worry about something that I may well not ever have to worry about, but you know me, I love to worry… and give myself wrinkles.

Have a calmer evening.

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