Looking back to move forwards

‘Sometimes I feel like if you just watch things, just sit still and let the world exist in front of you- sometimes I swear that just for a second time freezes and the world pauses in its tilt. Just for a second. And if you somehow found a way to live in that second, then you would live forever.’ Lauren Oliver

My biggest fear in the world, bigger than spiders, insects and heights, is the lack of time. Time seems to disappear from me quicker than wine in a bottle, and it frightens me. I don’t know how long I’ll have time for, but I know that it won’t seem long enough. I don’t mean to sound mega morbid, and I realise that I am extremely lucky because I have my health, and a wonderful family, but I want to see this family grow. I want to be around when my grandchildren have children, and so on and so forth. Sad isn’t it? And the thing is that it’s really stupid to be scared of it because, and again not to sound morbid, but we all die, it is the one thing in life that we can be sure of.

This year has been a mixture of wonderful and sad things, Mike and I have both suffered losses, we have had ups and downs with work, friends situations, and adjusting to a new home, a growing Jake and the changes in our relationship. My problem is that, it feels like I only just woke up from New Years Day 2013, rather than looking at the rear end of the year. We’ve both turned 25 and have started to look to the future, we’ve started making serious plans.

With the planning came the realisation that I need to learn to live in the now. I have a tendency to get over excited and make plans for the future. It’s made me realise that I’ve missed out on a lot with Jake because I haven’t been seeing it; I’ve been too busy thinking ahead.

I recently saw a message on Instagram which summed it all up for me…

‘We always seem to forget that everything is temporary. I mean okay, it crosses our minds once in a while and we might do something daring and out of our comfort zone. But when that moment passes, it gets stored away in the back of our minds and we continue living our lives as if there are plenty of tomorrows waiting for us. We postpone feelings and words to another day, another week, another month, another year. Everything is temporary. Tomorrow is an empty promise.’

So I decided that I won’t make an empty promise to myself anymore. Dramatic right? but not really. All I’m going to do is stop looking to the future, and just enjoy every day.

At my recent birthday celebration, we went to my dad’s restaurant for a private food and wine tasting. It was such a success, but you know the best bit about it? I got to spend time celebrating with my dad, and he got me the best present I have ever had. He found a note I had written to him when I was about eight or nine, telling him that he couldn’t stop me from being a writer because that is what I wanted to be. I was going to start with a book called ‘Call of the Dead.’ I can’t remember writing this note, nor the plans for the book itself. But the fact that he kept it, and had it framed means so much to me.

I want more moments like this. I want to look back and think about the times that made laugh/cry, that made me proud of who I was and who I had become. I can’t do that if I’m concentrating too much on the future. Of course plans need to be made, but not so extensively that I forget to enjoy what I have.

So my advice to myself for next year?

Look back at this year, and think about the best moments. Don’t try to recreate them, but remember how much fun you had being in that moment, and try to have them more often.

Let go of the people who make you unhappy, who make you doubt yourself in any way, who think they are better, have things better, and who can’t support you and be happy for all that you have. We are all different, your successes are different to what other people would consider a success, but that doesn’t make it any less worth while. Don’t let people judge or belittle your relationships. No one knows what goes on between the two of you, and they have no right to believe that they know better.

You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else might think. But if you don’t like something, don’t be afraid to say so. I know that I have put on weight, so I am going on a serious health kick. And you know what? It’s okay, I know that I’m bigger at the moment. True friends will always be honest with you; they won’t sit here and say oh no you are so skinny. That doesn’t help.

At the same time, be kinder to other people. I am terrible about making snap judgements, I tend to base opinions on what I see and that is not okay. Everybody is different, and don’t forget that other people might be looking at you and thinking that you look weird, have a bad dress sense, wear the wrong make up, are too fat/skinny, etc.

Don’t be jealous, angry or bitter, it just isn’t worth it. Life is too short to spend time concentrating on a grudge, and I really believe that it makes people ugly both inside and out. Everyone has different amounts of money, everybody will be able to do different things at different times, don’t begrudge people for it. Look at what you have and if you want more? Work harder. No one will hand stuff out for free without expecting something back. But don’t forget that you can get lucky, sometimes land on your feet, and that’s okay too. Everybody deserves a bit of luck sometimes.

Someone recently asked me about my faith. Don’t laugh. I am not a strict religious believer, but I have faith. They asked me about what I believed, and I finally thought of an answer.

I believe in God, but I do not believe that the world is only 2013 years old. I personally believe that rejecting evolution is ridiculous, we have too much proof, too many wonderful discoveries, too many dedicated scientists. However, I believe in miracles, I believe in prayers being answered, and I believe that you are rewarded for being a good person. It may not always seem like it, but I believe that we are. Above all else, I believe that there is more after we die. I can’t sit here and believe that one day, Jake won’t come back to me. I can’t believe that Mike and I will not be together for ever. Not to gush and sound smug or anything, but he’s my soul mate, we were meant to be, and that has to count for something. Because otherwise it is just cruel. We get this amazing experience of life, and then it just ends? No.

I don’t say this because I think this is what you should do. We are all different, we all have different beliefs, and we all look at the world in different ways. These are just my rules, my personal guide to 2014 and hopefully, for ever.

In other news, Jake and I asked Mike if he would like to adopt Jake, and he said yes 🙂 he gets to become a Berwick before I do, but I try to overlook that bit. I also have a website and will be going live with my new business in the new year 🙂

Please check out http://www.laboromarketingsolutions.com I am offering marketing and social media packages to businesses, both those starting up, and those looking to entice more customers. I offer bespoke packages, and above all else, a personal service.

Anyway, I hope you had a fantastic year, and have lots planned for next year 🙂 just remember today.

I end with the following quote…

‘For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.’ Eric Roth



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