On the cusp.


As always, I am slightly late on this. I have been meaning to sit down and scribble but the moment has never felt right. And it has to right?

The moment feels right because of a few factors. New year, minus the ‘New me’ BS. I turned 30. Jake is about to turn 9. New job starting soon. So it felt like today was the time.

I was also thinking back to why I started this blog, and how last year it changed slightly when talking about relationships etc, and it had nothing really significant about Jake in there. This is crucial today, so prepare for Jake spam. Mind you, if you were to glance at my instagram Jake is pretty much all you see. He’s like the cat I’d have if I didn’t have him, keeping this single, crazy lady occupied.

Anyway, about Jake.

He’s turning 9 on Sunday. Now, granted 9 isn’t really significant, not in the way turning 1 or 10 is when looking at kids. But to me it is. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing Jake, you will know that he is quite a chatty, opinionated and articulate child. Biased I realise, however, I actually put this down to the fact that I sent him to nursery as soon as I returned to uni and he has been surrounded by adults for 80% of his life. He’s like me, comfortable around adults and happy to hold a conversation, but equally at home playing with his friends.

His ability to be so comfortable is what got me through 2018. I have to say, bar a few moments, 2018 was a shitty, mentally exhausting, crappy year. So much stress and drama, a lot of it down to me, my actions, my weaknesses, my stupidity, my inability to say no and my fragile mental health. There was a crucial moment though, two very clear weeks where I remember that if it hadn’t been for Jake, I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

His little hands in mine, his cuddles, kisses, his funny moments, his thoughts and opinions… I really survived because a day without Jake is horrid. All this has of course, achieved the inevitable ‘Mothers guilt’. I mean, I feel like a lot of the time he’s older than he needs to be. He wants to be older than he is, desperate to be considered an adult and I’m left wondering is it my fault?

And here’s the really critical, crucial thing about why him turning 9 is so significant. I can see it. I mean I can literally see the last few bits of him being little, of still being my little boy and of the child like innocence (it really does exist) leave him.

His opinions are becoming stronger. His hopes and dreams are evolving at a staggering rate. His demands have changed and his need of me has changed. Things are becoming more black and white for him, which is something I hate. I had to really fight with him that Father Christmas isn’t fake, because I can’t deal with it yet. Everything is changing.

Jake is ready. And don’t get me wrong, I love change. Change scares me but it’s much more fun than playing it safe. But to turn round and suddenly see this… young boy rather than my little boy, is a change I can’t handle. Which is ridiculous after wondering if its my fault that he’s so comfortable with adults. How can I feel guilty for that but be proud of it, yet not be ready to see and deal with him actually getting older.

I know, mad rambles of a crazy mother. And just so you’re aware, I tell Jake daily he has to stop growing, and he rolls his eyes. I get a lot of sassy comments back. I have started getting slammed doors, comments on my inability of being a good mum. He’s wished he was dead (can’t think where he gets this dramatic character from) and he’s also stated on more occasions than I care to remember that he cannot wait to move out and leave.

I mean of course, that’s what you want your kids to be like. I never wanted a clingy child who couldn’t do a thing without me. He’s my twin in that sense. I like independence and I try hard not to smother Jake. I’ve been accused of still mothering him and treating him like a baby, which is not true. But I’m not ready now to treat him older than he is.

A lot of the lessons I’ve found myself teaching Jake involve consequences. He’s relatively free to make his own choices and decisions, but he now is learning that they all come with consequences. Trying to keep his world grey.

The other thing I’ve been trying to teach Jake is that my choices and decisions are equally as valuable as his. And believe me, when you’re raising a head strong boy who is literally you in character and mannerisms, this is not an easy task.

I’ve just told him off for screaming at FIFA and his response? It feels like real life mum. I hate football.

Anyway, as I said, I am starting a new job soon. When I told Jake, the opinions, demands and requests coming out of his mouth made it feel like I was discussing it with a much older person, rather than my 8 year old sidekick. But I need him. His opinion matters to me. I want him to be proud because if it wasn’t for him, who would I do this for? I mean obviously me, but once you have a kid, you do become slightly less important.

2018 was a year in which I was incredibly selfish. I mean I really pushed boundaries and did things that if I could take back, I would. There are so many things I would do differently, I’d say no more. And I’d have stopped to really look at Jake and essentially grow with him. Go through his changes with him. Then maybe him turning 9 wouldn’t be such a shock.

Like I said, I do not believe in the whole, new year new me thing. I believe you change when you’re ready to, not because of any other factor. But I am going to pay more attention to Jake. Be more aware and a better teacher, hopefully. You never get it right with kids, especially your 1st.

We will both be facing new challenges and new moments, and it’s better to do it together rather than apart fighting our own minds and souls.

Oh I sound preachy don’t I… disgusting.

He’s happy, healthy, tall and as obsessed with football as he’s always been. Can’t really ask for more than that can I?

Maybe the football thing…



Day 1…


Well I can honestly say that I thought I would never have to set foot into the library ever again once I got broadband. However, thanks to my leaking house, here I am. I suppose I shall have to make the best of a terrible situation. And it really is terrible! The weather man promised me rain today, instead I can see blazing sunshine!! It isn’t fair 😦 anyway, silver lining right? Or light at the end of the tunnel? Not sure which fits best, but there we are.

The aim today is to get my Short Story essay done and out-of-the-way, or at least reach 3000 words. And I will then do some dissertation work tonight. The reason for doing it this way round is because I have about 20 books for my dissertation, and only six for Short Story, so do the maths 🙂

Jake was dropped off at nursery today, and I had to tell them his leaving date. I actually got a bit tearful (perhaps hormones…), because he has loved it there and they are such a great nursery. They have done so much for us, and have really helped me to help Jake flourish and do well in everything.

Right, best get cracking. Might get a cheeky drink first though… what’s the saying? About feeding your brain? Wouldn’t be amazing if wine increased brain power? Right, yep…. essay.


Crunch time- Goodbye Facebook


Well, it struck me today… about a minute ago when I was talking to Mike… that for me, university will finish in exactly three weeks and two days. I also remembered that the whole point of this blog was to explain what life is like studying and being a full-time parent. Mike also pointed out that maybe it would be a good idea to give up Facebook for the said time period, so that my distractions may finally disappear. Wishful thinking I hear you say. However, I like challenges. In fact, as much as I complain about pressure and create it, I thrive on it (excuse the arrogance). So, I decided on this plan. I am going to now officially give up Facebook, (as soon as this post is published) and I will write on here every morning, letting you know the ‘To Do List’ for the day, what Jake will be doing, and whether I have contemplated suicide due to the stress of everything. I will then post a blog in the evening, letting you whether I have completed everything on the list, and how it is all going. I figured this would cover my need to be on Facebook, and it also means that the blog is being used for its correct purpose 🙂 also, I can send potential employers to it and hopefully convince them I am a fantastic person to employ!!

Mike also believes that I should give up Twitter, but I promptly told him to shut up. I am slowly getting back on top of things, which feels fantastic. However, I am slightly annoyed that after one of the better nights sleep in a long time, I feel like I have been awake for roughly a week. Builders also turned up today to fix the leak in my house, so we had to leave the house… Jake took me out for lunch 🙂 But again, it’s such a shock that it is almost over. I’m not sure how I am meant to feel, I suppose it will hit me once I have completed my final piece of work.

I am feeling pretty shitty though, as I had my family up all week and they only left yesterday. As I write this, my eyes are literally swimming with tears. I have such a great group of friends, but hand on heart, this year has been the hardest year I have ever had since leaving home at 18. My nan rang me about an hour after they left, and she said ‘well, I assumed you might be feeling a bit lonely’. And that was it. Like a waterfall, I didn’t stop for about 30 minutes. I am very pathetic aren’t I? Going about how great my friends are, yet bawling my eyes out the moment my parents leave. I am pretty certain there are people who are far more lonely than I am. But the moment my nan pointed it out, I thought oh God, it will be ages until I see them again. And I can’t go home once I am finished. Not because they don’t want me 🙂 just because there isn’t any room for us and all the crap I have collected over the last few years. It is so hard though. I can’t really put my finger on what has made me feel this way, but this year has, as I said, been tough. I suppose it could be the realisation that this is the final stage of my ‘adolescence’, which my mum has mentioned several times. But she says she is more scared than I am. it isn’t because of people either, no one is making me feel lonely, if that makes sense. So what is it? I don’t know. All I know is if someone had said to me  a week into the first semester you can home if you want, off I would have popped. I feel bad saying that, because there would be a lot of people who would love to be at university. But it’s how I have felt. Jake has helped though 🙂

I am off to London on Friday for a hospital appointment, I am going for the whole day and going to take advantage of it by printing off my CV and looking at areas to live in. I am very excited!! I also get to see some friends from home!! And possibly have a cheeky shopping spree, but who wouldn’t whilst in London!!

Anyway, I am going to go to bed, as I am exhausted and getting up early tomorrow. Wish me luck on my non-Facebook attempts 🙂 I really don’t want to fail, I have a feeling if I do, I will end up owing Mike big time, and he is mega annoying when he gloats.


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